trace_of_scarlet | Entries tagged with cheer up emo kid

I suck so much right now. The Real World is so fucking close - less than ten weeks of school left, ever - and I just want to curl up and pretend none of this is happening, sometimes. I can distract myself so well for ages, but even something like a stupid number of emails in my Inbox (96 today. I need to do something about that fucking Holmesslash group.) makes all the overwhelmingness come flooding up.

I have three pieces of coursework coming up, two English and one French, and the French one scares me so fucking much. It's so hard, and so I try to pick it up and do stuff about it, but then because it's so hard I always wind up giving up and then not touching it for ages. I just sit here on the fucking computer and read LiveJournals instead. *flails*

I suck so hard at Milliways, too. I keep starting threads and then dropping them, which means leaving other people in the lurch and I feel really bad about that, but I can't stop doing it. Because I want to play, damnit, but after about an hour my brain sort of dies and I lose the concentration to carry on. And stupid things about wank just make me angry and vaguely upset because I was kinda sorta involved and it's like- who's saying this stuff, damnit? And because I found out about it second hand it's like in 'real' life. Where I feel out of the loop because no-one ever seems to tell me anything, so my friends have conversations and I'm just on the edges flailing and going 'you did this? when? Who's that?' and wondering where the hell I went wrong.

Help me. I can't do this. I'm such a lazy fucking cow but I can't do this.

Current Mood: depressed

Tell me, where do you go,
When you walk out that door on your own?
Leaving me cursing silently
For being just a little too slow
To say ‘hello.’
Hello, hello…

And I can make all my excuses
For being so god-damned useless
But the fact remains: I have failed, once again-
My mouth won’t say what my mind says
Can only say ‘hello’
Can only say ‘hello’
Say hello…

Hello my beautiful boy,
Though you don’t know what your smile is.
You cannot see what you do to me
And yet all that I’m able to say is:
Hello, hello
Hello, hello
Hello, hello
Can only say hello…

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Can't Come Quickly Enough- Scissor Sisters

Have just been adding... stuff... to my Info page. I can't believe how long it's getting, it's HUGE! And LJ should totally let you have more than 150 interests. *pout*

I can't believe I go back to school tomorrow. It's just... whoah. And it'll be so strange without Hazel (who has ABANDONED me with the normal people in order to go to shinyshiny University), and all the people who are going to college (*clings to Louse*) or otherwise not coming back to the Dread Place.

I did my last paper round ever yesterday. It's kinda weird. I couldn't wait to stop having to do it, and it'll be great not having to get up so early or always make sure I'm back home in time to do it, or going out when it's freezing/pouring down with rain/I'm shattered, but it was nice knowing that no matter how much I'd spent I'd always have SOME money come Friday. And just... walking, on autopilot, just thinking about stuff. Man from number three looked really upset, bless him. He gave me a tenner! I liked him, he was really sweet. And he cried when he told me his wife died and I hugged him.

Am desperately attempting to find this book I want on the internet. I know what the cover looks like, and roughly what it's about, but no idea as to the author or title. WAH.

...This month I'm going to be working seven days a week- five days in school, two in Hobbycraft. *dies a little* You may as well just shoot me now and get it over with. The radio in Hobbycraft spent all day playing Green Day's Wake Me Up When September Ends. Oh, the irony.

Current Mood: exhausted

Should really have been updating this thing more. Probably wouldn't be updating now except my Mocks start tomorrow, I've done fuck all revision and I'm so veryverybadly procrastinating but I can't concentrate. *is terrified*
Apparently there are lots of people with fucked-up lives at the mo, mine for reasons I won't be stating here as well as the Mocks,

cindi_pops because of lots of things, and also

analogboyuk doesn't seem to be doing wonderfully. GAH. Had much more than this to say, but now it's all gone.
Mum's let me have money again though. ^_^ No more smuggling comics home in my coat pockets and wincing every time I sat on them!

Current Mood: scared

Go away, world. That is all.

Current Mood: sad

Today would have been as sucky as last, but thank God Stephanie and Beth managed to restore my faith in humanity a little. Can't be bothered with the details now though...

I really, really hate this place sometimes. It's just been one of those days I thin, and lunch (or rather, having to queue at the van on my own because I wanted to go the Art Block and everyone had mysteriously vanished: not so bad in itself, but it automatically makes you fifteen-minutes' worth of target for every immature fucking idiot attempting to compensate for his lack of size, and you can interpret that any way you want- though it doesn't explain the girls) just made it worse. Just want to run away somewhere and die now, preferably under a rock. And I was so upbeat this morning, too.
Notgoingtocrynotgoingtocrynotgoingtocrynotgoingtocry...
Fuck.

And which genius-type bastard decided to block posting to LJ on school computers?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: The Art crowd

*le sigh*
I'm really miserable lately, and I don't know why, but some of my stupid friends aren't helping. I have this horrible idea I'm spending half my speech on whinging, but I can't help it. And I swear, if I find out which of my most-trusted friends spilled my secret, I will sentence her to a slow death-by-torture-with-a-rusty-spork... but that's a different story.
It's a really odd feeling though, like when you're about to cry but you actually don't. Seriously odd.
I've also been on creative overdrive recently, especially poetry-wise, and I agai don't know why.

Current Mood: depressed

Oh my God. Feel so ill- and it's only a bad head cold/flu! Just to cap it all, am also having an Ugly Day- or in my case an Uglier-Than-Usual Day. *sigh* And the one person I really want to moan to isn't online and in any case has enough troubles of their own right now. Need several things right now, but chief amongst them is the weekend. Am so pulling a sickie tomorrow.

Having read far, far too many stupid and/or bigoted people's posts recently, I'm beginning to think there should be a new LJ law along the lines of Ye Olde Mother's Dinnertime Law (tm) of 'Don't eat with your mouth open.' In short, don't speak unless your mind's open.

I've just put a link in my bio-thingy, but this needs to be shouted everywhere. Possibly both the most amazing and most terrifying thing I've ever read. I'm no victim, but the sheer numbers of comments is beginning to make me think it might be only a matter of time.

Current Mood: contemplative

ETA: I adore diantha_malfoy and foxglove_icons. That is all.

To Come And Set Me Free- it’s pretty old, but I still like it. It is also an example of the most blatant personal denial you may ever be fated to set eyes on.
I don’t wanna be no Cinderella
Sitting in a dark cold dusty cellar
Waiting for somebody
To come and set me free

‘Cause Cindy’s pretty but she’s so slight
That princess will never learn to fight
So she’s gotta have somebody
To come and set her free

I don’t wanna be no beauty waiting
I can do my own dragon slaying
I don’t need nobody
To come and set me free

I don’t wanna be some pretty princess
With a prince on hand and a flowing dress
‘Cause I don’t want somebody
To come and set me free

I ain’t gonna depend on someone else
I know what to do, I’ll rescue myself
I don’t have to have nobody
To come and set me free

Cinderella, Snow White, Aurora, Belle,
They might be pretty but they’re fragile as shells,
None of them have ever known how to play hell,
So I guess I’ll stick with Mulan and Tinkerbell
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ‘cause:

I don’t wanna have no-one to take care
I might be a girl but I don’t fight fair
I’ll be the somebody
Who comes to set me free
I ain’t gonna be the new Snow White
I don’t need someone to help me sleep at night
Because my knight in armour
On a pure white charger
Is me
And that’s the way it has to be

Lost In Space- not so old as Cinderella, but a good few months old. A classic example of why you should never write songs and/or poetry while listening to rock music: it may come out well, but it will never be happy.
Dying silently inside
Dying late into the night
I’m sobbing invisible tears
I’m screaming but no-one hears

Because you were and then you weren’t
You put your arms around me
But then you left me, lost me somewhere:

I’m lost in space
I can’t breathe and I can’t scream
Without a trace
I can’t think so I can’t leave
I know this place
Black infinity deep inside my dream

So hopeless
So helpless
There is nothing I can do
I’m slumping
Then flying
Lost in hopeless dreams of you

Flying screaming through the night
Flying, dreaming deep inside
Invincible without my fears
In my dreams the pain can’t sear

Because there I see you, you always are
There your arms are still around me
And you never leave me, I’m lost in my dreams there:

I’m lost in space
I can’t breathe and I can’t scream
Without a trace
I’ve forgotten how to leave
I know this place:
My only refuge, deep inside my dream

Such sweetness
Such lightness
There is nothing I can do
I’m crying
Then flying
Lost in dreams that won’t come true

Lying wide-eyed late into the night
Your face alone in my sight
I’m laughing in my nightmares
I’m lost in a dream that scares

I need to see you, please where have you gone?
I need your arms around me, desperately
Why have you left me, lost my dreams there:

I’m lost in space
I can’t breathe and I can’t scream
Without a trace
I’ll fade away, no I don’t want to leave
I know this place
Want to stay here always, cocooned by my dream

So out of control
Such a lost soul
I don’t want a rescue
No more crying
Just flying
And still there’s nothing I can do:

I’m lost in space
I can’t breathe and I can’t scream
Without a trace
I’ve forgotten how to leave
I know this place:
My only refuge, deep inside my dream

You never come, I’m undone:

Lost in space
Screaming and screaming,
Never seeming to find my place
Shifting and drifting
On into the void
Forever and ever, forever and ever now
Your love’s a never, I’ll love you forever anyhow
‘Cause I’m still lost…
Lost in space…

Current Mood: high

I was in the car, stuck in traffic going up to the Rhondda to fix up Nan B's grave (FUN /sarcasm) and waiting for A Certain Person *coughNATHANcoughcough* to text me back, when this leaped into my head and wouldn't escape.

‘Mobile’
No reception
No deception
And my battery’s running low
Haven’t said it
Out of credit
So text me a message, tell me where to go

Ringtones blaring
Vibrations scaring
I’m silent though there’s babbling in my ears
Then communication
But short-lived elation
‘Cause it’s still not the voice I need to hear

Satellite tracking
Is sadly lacking
Going through a tunnel, I’m cut off- or so it seems
But a text’s got through
Direct from you
And it tells me all that’s ever been in my dreams
Don't entirely understand it myself, and hate the last verse, but strangely enough I quite like it, overall.
Hmm.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Canto del Terra- Andrea Bocelli (I THINK that's his name)

Takeoff of Fever, specifically the one sung by Eva Cassidy, written at midnight on holiday. Wasn't originally going to be a takeoff, but I wrote the first verse, hummed it and somehow the chorus from Fever attached itself and wouldn't leave, whereupon I gave in and just wrote the whole thing.
My baby don't know I love him,
My baby don't know I care
But whenever my baby should need me,
Heaven knows I'll be right there
He gives me fever,
When he's smiling,
Fever when he hugs me tight
Fever when we’re together
Fever in my dreams all night

I love him all the time I’m with him
I love him when he isn’t there
I know I should tell him I love him
But the truth is that I just don’t dare
He gives me fever
When I miss him
Fever when he’s standing right there
Fever ‘cause he don’t know I love him
Such a fever I’ve got heat to spare

I can’t tell my baby I love him
‘Cause he and his girl don’t want to end
But until fate should part them
God knows I’m happy just to be his friend
A friend with fever
‘Cause I love him
Fever ‘cause I need him now
Fever though I try to be patient
I’ve got fever for him anyhow

He gives me fever
When he’s laughing
Fever every time he smiles
Fever, ‘cause when I get upset
Somehow he makes it all worthwhile
You give me fever
Oh yeah
You give me fever
Oh yeah
Fever all through the night…
Anyone know how to end it better, please tell me.
~~Not lovesick. Not at all.~~

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Fever- Eva Cassidy